I never realized, dearest, what a complete and utter bitch you are…
He stopped, his fingers poised over the keyboard. “What would I say if she was standing right here in front of me?” he reasoned, then hit Command-A-Delete, wiping the opening line.
Good decision, White Raven clacked.
“Agreed,” Frederick Barnstrum weighed in.
He ignored them, or tried to. They’d taken up Steam Donkey John’s place on the opposite bench, a sort of tag team.
Do do do do Down dooby doo down down Comma, comma, down dooby doo down down Comma, comma, down dooby doo down down Breaking up is hard to-o-o do.. Niel Sedaka segued on the radio...
“Can somebody please shut him up?” Buddy howled.
You should eat, White Raven advised. “Indeed,” Barnstrum concurred. “A hardy breakfast is essential for proper function of the human brain.”
Buddy sighed. He wanted to tell them all to shut-up… just shut the fuck up… but that would have meant acknowledging them, treating them as real.
Shut up is not a term one uses in polite society, White Raven scolded. “And as for ‘shut the f**k up’, that’s not the kind of language one should even permit himself to think, let alone say out loud!” Barnstrum concurred.
“I didn’t say it out loud,” Buddy banged the table with his fist. “But I am now: shut the fuck up, the two of you!”
They stared impassively, obviously unimpressed.
“Ostentatiously unmoved,” Barnstrum corrected. Buddy couldn’t help it… he laughed.
They remained ostentatiously unmoved.
Don’t take your love away from me Don’t you leave my heart in misery If you go then I’ll be blue Cause breaking up is hard to do
“New tack,” he decided. “Take the lead.”
He switched from his email program to Google, then typed in ‘Divorce process in BC’. His search fetched 32,400,000 results in half a second, according to his browser. He clicked the first one, which claimed, ‘BC Divorce papers made easy!’
‘Get an Easy Online Divorce in British Columbia,’ the banner promised. ‘100% Court Approval Guarantee’. Below, a tagline said: ‘Make your uncontested divorce in British Columbia straightforward and affordable using our online divorce paperwork preparation service.’
“All for just $179,” Buddy echoed, soured by the site’s upbeat tempo. “Sort of like tap-dancing on the way to your own funeral.”
“Indeed,” Barnstrum concurred. You won’t be there, White Raven pointed out, then clarified: At your own funeral, I mean.
‘Online Divorce Without a Lawyer in British Columbia,’ Buddy continued reading. ‘Use our online questionnaire system, and your answers will enable us to select the proper legal forms and fill them out following Canadian laws and the specific requirements of British Columbia. We ensure easy access to the account for both parties, and you can proceed at your own pace.’
A big red button at the bottom of the page instructed him to, ‘Start Now.’
“Can’t,” Buddy said.
What will you do, then?
The question echoed, a twig, cracking underfoot.
“All this bureaucracy, the paperwork, the endless haggling,” he complained. “Wouldn’t it be easier to just let go, drop any demands, walk?”
“Of course, but it’s not only your rights at stake,” Barnstrum lectured. “You’re upholding the rights of everyone who finds himself in a similar situation. To simply give in is to abandon a principle, not just an instance of it.”
Oh, for heaven’s sake, Barnstrum, White Raven clacked.
“Wouldn’t it be simpler if I just sort of disappeared?”
Easier for who?
“For me!”
Buddy was surprised at his answer.
Selfish?
No!
A soothing calm seeped in, buffering the spaces between jiggling molecules, dampening the charged impulses tingling his neural network. He sighed, the long exhalation of letting go, letting the stinging energy of consciousness dissipate, vanish into an imagined void.
“To be? Or not to be? That is the question,” he grumbled.
Neither White Raven, nor Barnstrum had an answer.
Buddy retrieved his suicide note from the cabinet above the dining nook table.
‘To whom it may concern, I’M SORRY,’ he scrawled on the envelope. He licked the flap, sealed it shut, and leaned the note against the wall, under the window.
“Done!” he said. “Reports of my death have been greatly expedited.”
Next: The Last Breakfast